Being a minority…

Hi, long time no see…I wish I could say I haven’t written anything in a while because life kept me busy, but that would be untrue. I haven’t written in a while because well how do I put it: I am fucking lazy and neither one of the two or so people reading my random ramblings have sent me any money yet, like for real guys I need to support my gambling addiction + I have a sure thing for my upcoming colonoscopy and a china town bookie willing to take action!!!!

Anyway here goes # 3:

Today I got yelled at by my boss for being a minority!!  I know…in this day and age…especially with the Oscars reminding us how racial bias is dead and all.

I was outraged, I was in shock I didn’t know where to turn – would Beyonce stand with or…you know..let me touch her !? I looked far and wide for representation but I couldn’t find any. I wasn’t yelled at for being an Immigrant or my religious beliefs (they only show during sporting events or at the poker table unless you count my nose)…I was yelled at because I – Ladies and Gentleman – am a smoker…..

In fact it hasn’t been the first time I got attacked for being a smoker, once in Vegas – you notice a theme here? Like come on I really need the money! One of those really disgusting fat people (you know the type…if you are in America you REALLY know the type) drove up to me in one of those – I am too fat to walk through Walmart -scooters with a frown on her 50 cent wings at a gas station wormhole – face and gave me shit for smoking. She wore a cat sweater…

I did tell her to not worry and that the 3 cheeseburgers she had for breakfast will kill her before my Marlboro would but she didn’t see the irony.

In Amsterdam’s coffee shops you smoke weed. Just stating a fact, nothing other to report here, EXCEPT – you are not allowed to smoke cigarettes !!! I mean the fuck !!? The place is designed for smoking!! When I lit up, the bouncers were on me quicker than the aforementioned Vegas woman – they reacted harsher than the one time I dismembered a Polish prostitute there.

Speak of second class – am I right !!??

I understand that there is no real reason for smoking, it smells, it’s unhealthy and if I would be smoke free I would have more money for gambling…and Polish p…ierogi. But it’s part of me, and if you are not allowed to attack people for wanting dick in their mouth (not that anything is wrong with that obviously) why are you allowed to attack people for sucking cancer sticks??

The taxes I pay in New York…or since I am buying them out of state because…sporting events, poker table, savings….the taxes somebody pays should be enough to be able to enjoy a quick cigarette without fear of repercussions (besides: cancer obviously)
I mean as of now cigarettes are so expensive that it’s a bigger status symbol than a fancy watch or a fur coat – obviously faux fur, because wearing the real ones is too “murder meet Kanye” even for my taste.

So please have a heart, we smokers are human beings !! We come in all shapes and colors, we have feelings too so please don’t discriminate🙂

Please share and comment if you feel like it, since I am very bored and love the sound of my own keyboard.

PS; I didn’t really dismember a Polish prostitute, but I love how you continued reading like nobody’s business…

PPS: It was actually a traveling German tupper ware salesman called Franz…

Second blog post…People commenting

People are the worst!

I made a promise to myself and others after I wrote the first blog post in October. I promised to write one every week or so, because I read somewhere that writing regularly makes this whole blog thing successful and I would make millions and everyone is gonna dress like me.. (Yes I am quoting a song from the classic motion picture and academy award snub Clueless).

As you can see by the fact that this paragraph is already way longer than it should be, I get distracted easily, so this whole ‘write an entry once a week thing’ got killed by Netflix and the god damn NY Giants and those overpaid pricks in Man United!! But then came this:

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A young student friend of mine recently shared this picture!

She has just started college and discovered feminism, socialism and all of the *isms really. I like the picture simply because it sums up everything that is wrong with Facebook lately.

Today I would like to comment on people who comment. We in the biz call it an “Inception” post (named after the classic motion picture, winner of, I shit you not 4!!! Oscars which is more than The Godfather. *Disclaimer: I am not in the biz and don’t know shit in general*

So here it goes:

According to my Facebook newsfeed; Donald Trump is a Messiah who will make America great again by being real, however, he is worse than Hitler, would like to sleep with his child and loves to hate brown people named Pedro or Abdul.

Syrian refugees are the 200.000 horsemen of the Apocalypse and can’t be trusted, they are all scheming to blow up bacon factories but need our help because all of them are scientists trying to build a better world, a world without climate change and referee mistakes in professional sports.

Planned Parenthood has an EBay store for fetuses which accepts PayPal, prayers and all major credit cards.

The list goes on and on, including such classics as “Israel”, “The second Amendment” and my personal favorite “9-11: the real, real, super real truth“.

The topics range from politics over to economics and onto history. Diverse topics that, on Facebook, have one thing in common: the people commenting and sharing stuff are, without a doubt, complete fucking idiots who possess absolutely no expertise on the discussed subject what so ever.

I can say this with confidence; it’s on my news feed so by definition I know the person commenting. You are a butcher by trade, and haven’t seen a college from the inside and you can name like three European capitals without google…WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW ABOUT FOREIGN POLICY??? There is a reasonpeople study subjects! I have a friend she is a rocket scientist (like for real…it’s crazy) anyway, would you ever dare to argue with her about rocket stuff? Like at a party would you go up to her and say; “that’s great that blah blah blah, but I actually believe in blah blah bluh, and I know, because I am a bartender who once read an article on Buzzfeed. Fuck You Science!” (I know it would sound better with an actual example instead of blah blah but I don’t know shit about rocket stuff, I am still amazed that airplanes are flying…I mean ‘the fuck?? they are like super heavy…) The point is you probably wouldn’t dare to say this in real life, so why do you do it on Facebook!?

In German there is a phrase “Gefährliches Halbwissen” which translated means ‘dangerous half knowledge’. For example; just because you are aware that Israel and Palestine are not what can be considered ‘good neighbors’, it doesn’t make you an expert on the subject- especially since you have never been there, let alone worked/lived in that cultural climate. I mean, I managed to embed a picture into this blog post does that make me an IT-whiz kid!!!?? It does not, even if you count my enviable ability to find free porn. I have people arguing online over the pros and cons and religious connotations of circumcision, both sides getting angrier and angrier….and neither one of them actually has a penis. Isaac Asimov said…some stuff…and he wrote other stuff like I,Robot (the basis for the academy award nominated classic motion picture starring Will Smith. He said: “Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that ‘my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.’” Sadly, this applies to every side of every argument lately.

This is not just any opinion, this is the opinion of an expert two post blogger who, if everything you read means it is fact, is a cunt hair away from his own fashion line!

First blog post – Why the hell did I come to Murica anyway ??

The first post dum…dum…DAAAA

The single most frequent question I get asked is – “Why did you come to America??” It baffles people. For some reason everybody thinks that it is an odd choice. Americans tend to romanticize Europe whereas Europeans think that America…well, I’m sure you know how a lot of Europeans view the US???

Anyway, here it is: I moved to the United States simply because I love the country and still believe in the American dream. My favorite movie when I was 4 years old was Delta Force with Chuck Norris, because even in Soviet Russia we knew how fucking awesome this man is!! This was the beginning of my love affair with the U.S of A.

I didn’t come here on ‘no banana boat’ (Scarface yay!!!) I didn’t cross the ocean in a makeshift raft-paying thousands of dollars to smugglers while watching Kurdish kids drown so I have a shot to escape tyranny and shit. The truth is, I had an average to good life but I figured, why not- I’ll give it a shot and try to make it better by coming here. Turns out; I am the kind of immigrant that Trump should bitch about. Not some poor Schmuck picking apples for 3 dollars and a burrito per day. I know for a fact that I stole American Jobs, and honestly I’ll do it again and again.

A lot of people think the American dream is dead. A lot of people also believe that updating your Facebook status will change privacy settings- so it’s safe to say that a lot of people are idiots. The American dream isn’t dead, maybe it isn’t as alive as it used to be, but it’s not quite dead. The quintessence of the American dream is starting somewhere lower than you finish. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to finish at level ‘Bruce Wayne’ but in a better position than where you began.

I came here because I wanted to have more shit – and now I have more shit, I don’t have nearly enough shit and I am constantly trying to get even more shit, but yeah that is basically what fuels this country (ambition…not shit). The beauty about America is this: they actually give you an opportunity to make it and if you work hard(ish) (seriously American workforce sucks!!! – more about this later) you will in fact “make it”.In Austria on the other hand you will never truly rise. The system actually makes it incredibly hard to take shots and in general the communities will constantly try everything to discourage you from taking those shots. You will always kind of stay the same, and then you die…or start a World War…

So if there is anything you take away from this, make sure you remember: All you have to do is adjust what “making it” means to you!! I mean, you probably won’t make the 1% (unless you have a craaaazy idea that will change the world) but you can easily make the 20% through hard work and not being a fucking idiot (that one is quite important). And that is already waaaaay more opportunity than you’ll ever get in Western Europe.

Of course American living has it’s down sides (If, God forbid, myself or my wife get sick – I’ll be in Vienna in like 9 hours – universal healthcare beeeyatch!!!! ) But as a young, able, white (unfortunately it’s true to a certain degree) educated person – fuck you guys I’m going to take my shot here!!! That is it, call it naïve if you wish, but I truly believe you can still make it here.

And as somebody once said ‘If you can make it here, you can make pizza”